Thou Arth Annoying
by Hitsuiro Issa
Summary: Another HOMM 5 story by yours truly- this time though, it's comedy. A love and hate relationship between two totally opposite elves. Rated T for Yaoi and relentless cursing. RxR please.
1. Party poopers

**Title**: Thou arth annoying

**Genre**: Humor / Fantasy

**Pairings**: Findan x Raelag, ZOMG.

**Warnings**: Elves cursing, sexy Clan Lords, annoying goatees and shields as big as dinner plates. Yaoi, but not extreme….or is it?

**Summary**: Findan knows for a fact that Dark elves and wood elves will never be good friends. The only reason he knows is because of their differences when it comes to religion, but when he finds himself stuck with a sexy but haughty Clanlord, he realizes that there are thousands of other reasons why.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any version of Heroes of Might and Magic, as much as I don't own Death note. Must you take away everything I have?

Party poopers

It had taken Findan a full minute before he could finally take his eyes away from Zehir, who, surprisingly, turned out to be the youngest Arch mage in the century- and the most undisciplined he had seen. Zehir was brash, overconfident, and though he was intelligent and reasonable (even if he always had his annoying side comments and such), there were times when he would become childish...understandable for an eighteen year old, but he was a mage. Findan had come across plenty of mages before- and none of them were as unbehaved, so to say, as Zehir. Despite this, having the young Arch mage still had its advantages; after all, he was the best, being a great mage's son and all, winning through ranks with his prodigious skill.

It wasn't a good time to have a small misunderstanding or mishap in the threesome group of theirs, especially with almost the whole of the Griffin Empire against them. So Findan chose to ignore Zehir's attitude and tolerated the bothersome quips that would issue out after a battle or two- and Godric did the same. The elf wasn't surprised with that since the old knight had experience with troublesome children, unlike Wood elves like himself, who preferred silence and order to be one with nature.

He was returning from his patrol around the streets that connected one Griffin town to another when a messenger came to him and brought him news he hadn't been expecting. Godric had been the one who sent the man, and the poor peasant almost tumbled in most words on the parchment he read from. The news brought was simple yet alarming; there had been an encampment of Dark Elves nearby Talonguard, and hostility wasn't impossible from the said group. Immediately Findan had asked the man to lead him to the intruders, and by the time he got there Zehir and Godric were waiting for him.

"Hey Findan, guess what. These Party poopers are the same creeps who helped our Isabel long ago," Said Zehir once the Elf reached earshot. Findan frowned at that, looking from the Arch mage to Godric. "Is this true?" he asked. Godric nodded grimly, his eyes intent on the pale group. "They're most probably on Isabel's side," he replied. "But maybe there'd be a chance of Alliance…if ever they find our story believable. "

_How could they not? _Findan thinks as Godric made his way to speak to the intruding group. _Surely they've heard of the prophecy. _

But as they came closer to seeing if the group was indeed friendly, Findan found himself praying that they weren't. It was easier for him to fight against a band of Dark Elves than befriending them.

Sadly, the latter being the exact thing that was meant to happen.


	2. Possibility

Possibility

Raelag, the Clan Lord of Ygg-Chall, and the leader of the band of Dark Elves in the area, turned out to be a talented warlock. And though this was a good thing, with the hordes of enemies they had before them, he was annoying and unbearable. Even if Findan was a Wood Elf who loved peace above war, he couldn't help feeling entertained by the thought of smashing the said warlock's sneering face into a pulp.

What was worse, Zehir had assigned the two elves to take care of what was left of the undead _together_. At first he was enraged and was sorely tempted to thrust his bow into Raelag's smirk, but then he regained his composure and accepted the request…though begrudgingly. And what angered him more was the conversation that had taken place as soon as they both left the encampment with just a few creatures to watch their backs.

"So Findan…aren't you homesick at all? I mean, you've lived all of your life in Sylvan territory, with plentiful of creatures you're accustomed to." Raelag was the one who started the conversation, turning his head to the side to look at his companion.

"Homesick? Mind you, these lands are as good as that of my homeland. Besides, I'm doing this for good reasons, so I'm not complaining." Findan replied casually.

"Complaining…weren't you the one who almost flipped when Zehir said we were working together, and launched into a full rant afterwards?" taunted the warlock, and the elven ranger shot him a glare.

"I did not attempt a back flip or whatever!" he cried exasperatedly. "And besides, who wouldn't complain? Stop grinning at me like that, you troublesome git!"

Raelag chuckled at that, whipping his giant lizard to walk faster before Findan could bring out his bow and bombard him with arrows.

They stopped by a stream to refill their water skins and to rest their armies. Still seething, Findan ushered his troops to the river bend, and so did Raelag, while still grinning that sexy smile of his…Findan shook his head vigorously, disgusted by the thought. How could he think of that bastard that way? It must be the sun. Finally resting his case, he left for the forest to gather something to eat. But before he could turn to leave, however, Raelag said something that stopped him from going.

"I'm going to get some berries," he announced to everyone, and both Dark and Wood Elven troops turned their attention to the Clan Lord. "Everybody stay here. It would only take me awhile, and soon after we mush them into good berry juice, we set up and leave for the ambush tomorrow. Any questions?"

Findan gritted his teeth and called out, "Raelag, _I _was going to do that."

The reply was a sort of grin and a quick hand gesture, beckoning him to say that to his face. Findan was more than happy to do so. The troops watched quietly as their two leaders approached each other and stared at the other's sneering face, Raelag's a look of triumph, and Findan's a look of dire repugnance. The tension between the two elves was overwhelming that some of the army had already backed away from the two.

"Come again?" Raelag asked, leaning backward a bit- just a bit, since their noses had been touching at the contact.

"I. Was. Going. To. Do. That. Myself." Findan whispered dangerously, word by word, as if the warlock wouldn't understand. The grin on the Dark elf's had disappeared now, replaced by a look of loathing- which reflected the facial expression upon Findan's own. "You moved too late, pretty boy." Was the warlock's reply, and immediately an eerie hush fell over the camp. "Were the butterflies too much for you?"

It happened in a spur of a moment, before the army knew it; the two Elven leaders were strangling each other on the floor, rolling around like a wheel. There were times when Raelag was on top, spreading his dark silky hair over Findan's face, and the Wood elf would quickly put an effort to reverse the wheel, since he had Raelag's hair in his mouth, and that was truly unpleasant. The same could be said for when Raelag would be the one beneath, but it would take him an even greater time to turn over, since Dark elves were lean creatures, less physically tough compared to the Wood elves. After some time of pointless grunting and tangling of limbs and frequent changing of positions, a shadow matriarch and a High druid approached the battle. It took the two creatures a few attempts before they were able to successfully pry one Elven leader from the other, with the additional help of some Minotaurs and Ancient Treants. The two finally-separated elves were heaving greatly, still glaring daggers at each other. The troops shook their heads at the two, knowing for a fact that there was nothing to be done about their feud- which was true, since dogs always hated cats, as the saying goes.

It took them a whole hour to settle the dispute, ending the argument with the agreement of both leaders going to pick the berries together, since it was faster and was what both had wanted to do. Once the two had left, the chief druid turned to the shadow matriarch and sighed. "It would take a miracle for both to become good friends." He said quite sadly, and the matriarch laughed openly. "What more would it take them to become pleasant acquaintances at least?"


	3. Wimp

Wimp

Silence, accompanied by quips of night sounds, surrounded the two. Both were still bristling angrily, but none made the movement to release their frustrations. One would safely assume that the earlier trouble had drained their energies.

One can never be certain.

The skies were already dark by the time they had finished. Findan was already making his way back to camp when something left his companion's lips, causing him to stop at a halt.

"Geez, Findan. Is that all you managed to gather?" Raelag said, pointing at the pile of berries Findan was carrying. The Wood elf frowned at that, offended. "My, we are carrying the same amount, I think. Oh wait-" Findan quickly added before the warlock could say anything else, "Your arms are indeed smaller. So I'm carrying a lot more than you can possibly have."

There was a sound of rustling, with Raelag dropping his pile and walking straight up to his companion and peering into his face. Findan did the same, and soon both hands were fisted at their sides.

"Say that again, pony boy." He hissed, and Findan allowed himself to grin at that. It was time to give Raelag a taste of his own medicine.

"You heard me," taunted Findan, leaning forward. "Wimp."

A flash of movements issued after the word has been said. Findan found himself pinned beneath a large hand, probably conjured by the haughty spell caster, and Raelag laughed at this. Certainly, the Wood elf had lost at this contest of speed. Findan struggled beneath the conjured mass, trying to pry away and take his weapons that now littered the ground, but unless Raelag would banish the hand, there was no way of escape. He had to talk his way out.

"Who's the wimp now?" Asked the Dark elf, hands on his hips, and a triumphant look upon his pale face. Findan was sorely tempted to raise his hand and make a rude hand gesture- at least that would alleviate his anger. "Release me this instant!" he cried exasperatedly, trying in vain to wriggle free. Raelag bent down a bit more, letting his dark locks caress the Wood elf's tan cheek, grinning broadly. Findan sputtered, because there was the hair in the mouth thing again, and glared up at his captor. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" he asked at his face.

"Kind of," was the reply, and there was the innocent, thoughtful look that one would find on children's faces when they are thinking of something- only this time it made him a lot like a scrunched-up prat…and a lot cuter.

"Why not we settle this now? Let me go, and we'll see who the more accomplished elf is." Findan challenged, and Raelag laughed again, that same sexy snicker that somehow and curiously made his stomach knot. "Alright then. I suppose that's fair." and he banished the magical hand. Findan stood up, dusted his robes, and then glared at his opponent. "Fair? You know what's fair? Me discarding all my weapons and strangling you bare-handed."

"Oh sure," was Raelag's reply, rolling his eyes. "I bet."

"You think I'm weaker than you?"

"Do **YOU **think I'm weaker than you?"

"I sure do." Findan said, crossing his arms. "Just look at my physique. I've got more muscle."

"Yeah right. But beneath that you're still an effin' gaybo." Raelag pointed out, and the Wood elf made some sort of bristling noise and pushed the warlock onto a nearby tree. The dark haired man gave a cry as the rough wood grazed onto the back of his head, not making any noise because of the possibility of hurting his skin- his armor protected him from that. Findan pressed all his weight onto the smaller man, grinning as he did so, enjoying the small sounds of pain Raelag emitted whenever he would push a little deeper. He was turning malicious, and he longed for a more painful approach- but a part of him, that small part uncovered by the vast hatred for this man, stopped him from doing so. Raelag can thank his god for that.

"Look who's squealing like a little girl now," Findan hissed into the other's ear, and his companion struggled to push him away, but to no avail. "Findan, you psycho bitch! Get off me!" He cried.

Findan frowned at that, and eased the pressure he was putting out. "Look at what you've done to me." He said angrily, glaring deeper into the dark orbs before him. "I can't believe this! I hate you! You're a fucked up moron, do you know that? You're so unbearable that even a peace-loving elf like me is actually doing this! Darn it!"

"You've been to war for too long, sissy." Whispered Raelag, and Findan closed the small gap between them.


	4. Another Bummer

Another bummer

"General Findan! Master Raelag! What took you two so long? We were worried that you two might have been ambushed by the enemy!"

That and a couple more of concerns were voiced out as the two weary elves entered their camp. Hours had passed since their departure, and they could see the sun slowly rising from in between the trees. Findan frowned as Raelag explained the troubles they had encountered, mostly which he had made up to cover the little thing that have transpired between them…by accident, Findan added in his mind. He did not seriously kiss the most hated person on his list. In fact, the two had agreed to not talk about it, and act as if nothing had happened. But they were both too tired to argue even if it was normal for them to do so.

"We have an hour left to make and drink berry juice. I suggest we should start immediately- me and Findan look as if we would die without one." Raelag finished, holding up a pile of berries and dumping it before a group of sprites and blood maidens. "Go ahead, get a head start then."

Obediently the women picked up the pile and got to work immediately. Raelag turned his head and grinned tiredly at the Wood elf general, gesturing a thumbs up. This _whole thing is going to be trouble_, Findan thought, guiltily returning the smile. _I just know it_.

"What happened? Did you defeat them? Did you own? Who died? Did you guys kiss? Did you recruit more? Did you bring me some treats? Berry juice? YAY!"

The tirade of questions was immediately halted by Narxes, Zehir's personal scribe and caretaker, by offering the said worked-up mage a glass of Berry juice. Findan and Raelag stood side by side, still weary from the battle they had been from, watching the eighteen-year-old finish the glass in one gulp. Zehir gave out a satisfied burp and grinned at them both. Findan could feel another vein mark rising in his forehead- the kid just wouldn't shut up.

"We defeated them alright," Raelag spoke, grinning at the young mage. "And now we've got enough gold to recruit us some serious warriors. Now we can launch our assault on Talonguard and hopefully be able to cast the rite on Isabel, so that she would be well."

Zehir nodded as he straightened up on the cushioned furniture he was sitting on. It was a large pillow, and it made him look like a sultan…which he probably was. "Alrighty then! Why don't we start to move out?" he said, conjuring up a map of the land they were in and a quill pen to write with. "You guys can take care of the towns up north and that of the one near Talonguard." Findan and Raelag stiffened at that. "You're pairing us up again?" Both asked the kid a bit dangerously. Zehir placed the tip of the pen on his bottom lip, scrutinizing them both with his dark eyes. "Isn't that fun?" he asked, his eyes twinkling maliciously. Immediately both elves shook their heads, frowning as they did so. Sure it was fun, but it was…awkward. "I don't care. I'm staying with Godric to discuss about the lower towns and all. Within a week we must meet before the garrison that leads to Talonguard, capish?"


	5. Surrender

Surrender

"Listen here you psycho motherfucker…Raelag!"

The said man turned at the mention of his name, and Findan cleared his throat to repeat what he had said. "We're going to travel together till the end of the visible route, and thereafter we'll split up. I will take the warriors from the Havensworth." He traced the path on the map with his long elven finger. "You will take care of Remedios. You know, the one near Talonguard. Raelag? Raelag!"

"I'm listening, goddamit." The warlock cried, whipping around once more to face his companion. "I get it, okay? It doesn't mean that a person is facing away from you that he isn't paying attention."

"I was just making sure that every bit of my plan got inside your petty head," Findan mocked with his hands on his hips. "I was worried that you didn't understand. You're obviously daydreaming about Isabel."

"Watch your tongue, Gaylord." Raelag hissed, bringing down on the table the papers he had been messing with earlier. "I was just calculating how long it would take us to gather as many warriors as possible. By now Isabel would have hundreds of each tier."

"Well yeah, Zehir had thought of that possibility. So guess which lucky hero gets to assault Talonguard." The Wood elf replied to that, grinning and raising a finger to point at Raelag. "**YOU** can cast Destructive spells that are way more damaging than me, Zehir and Godric can. That's why we chose you so that you can weaken them with every bit of mana you have in your wimpy body. And if you end up dead, what's the trouble?" Here the warlock jumped Findan and the two lay silent, one still on top of the other.

"Screw you, you sonofabitch. First of all, I can probably cast thrice the power you have. This wimpy body can do it all." Raelag whispered, grinning broadly at the elf beneath him. "Second, I don't think I'd end up dead. So when I return with Isabel in my arms, you can get down on your knees and worship me." Findan rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Do you really think I give a damn? Now get off me before anyone sees!" And with that the ranger pushed the body with all his strength and managed to get back on his feet a full minute later.

Raelag dusted his armor, still glaring daggers at the other elf. "You're demented, you are. I never knew Wood Elves were crackpots."

"Crackpots!" Findan exclaimed, bristling. "How dare you. Compared to your kind, we Wood Elves are pretty decent."

At that the pale elf's eyes ventured up and down Findan's body, a look of utter disbelief displayed on his face. "Decent, huh?" He asked, a smile tugging his lips. "You mean looking like a walking tree with braids is decent? What has gotten to the world these days?" He shook his head, sighing.

He bent down just in time before an incoming inkpot could hit him right in the face.

It was by nightfall that they reached the end of the road. The visible path had been weathered and there were only faint traces of trails left. Findan sat on the mossy ground, leaning against a tree, letting out a deep breath. Weary eyes scanned the view visible atop the trees, his long elven fingers undoing the water skin quickly, and then dumping the liquid down his throat afterward. Across him was Raelag, who was just lying there against his tree, not bothering to get himself a drink of cool water. The two had taken their places where one's destination was to be headed to; Raelag somewhere to the northeast, and Findan at the other side. The blond-haired elf closed his eyes, faintly listening to the steady beats of his steed's hooves as the creature made its way to a nearby stream. They had traveled for three days and two nights nonstop; now they deserved and desperately needed rest.

"We better set up camp, Raelag, before the sky turns a dark shade of night blue." The Wood Elf said into the silence, and his companion moaned. He too was tired, but if they didn't set camp soon, they would find themselves smitten with ant bites…or worse.

It was mightily quiet as both were busied by their work, and once they finished, it seemed new to hear something else other than crickets and wolf howls.

"Well, good night, Findan. I'm hitting the hay." Raelag said, stretching, then half-waving at his companion as he disappeared in between the tent flaps. "Good night," Findan greeted back, a little louder for his companion to hear him. Standing up and stretching his tired bones, he too went inside his own camp to get some sleep.

He opened his eyes a few hours later, even if the sun had not risen yet. The sudden disturbance that had awoken him was the uncanny feeling of silky hair grazing his skin. He raised his head, just barely, enough for him to see- or to confirm his assumption of who his visitor could be. As he had expected, it was Raelag.

"In the name of Sylanna," grunted Findan, glaring at the pale elf leaning on top of him. "What the hell are you doing?"

There was a new look to be found in his companion's eyes. It wasn't the usual haughtiness or hatred, but a mixture of an intimidating stare and somewhat…predatory. That sent a chill up and down his spine, and immediately an expression of fear flashed upon Findan's face- causing Raelag to smirk.

"Scared, Findan? I figured I would freak you out." The raven-haired elf whispered, purposely blowing lightly on the other's cheek. Findan shuddered at that and forced an arm to press upon Raelag's chest in a vague attempt to keep them apart. "Who wouldn't be?" He snapped, glaring back at the man's eyes. He was trying to muster up all the courage he had in his body- after all, he was just caught off-guard. His composure was coming back quickly. But the Dark elf's grin was enough to make puppies cry, and Findan found his valor slowly draining- surely he wasn't planning…?

"Raelag, get off me." He said somewhat pleadingly, and he hated the way his voice quivered though just slightly. The reason for his fear was not because he was really scared of Raelag- there were numerous things Findan could do to this petit elf on top of him- but because this close proximity was making him hot. And he did not like that.

"You know how it is? You make me want to hit you and screw you at the same time." The Dark elf said somewhat savagely, disregarding his companion's statement earlier. "And I hate it. I don't know what to do, I try to think about Isabel, about _ANYTHING_ else, but no! You still stay in my head like a clingy imp during winter." Findan blinked at that, genuinely surprised. "What are you implying? Do you think you're the only one having trouble with your hormones? Everything about you is driving me crazy!" The Wood elf stated, successfully pushing Raelag off him since he had regained control of himself and the Raven had obviously been speechless by his own words. "Your laugh gives me butterflies in places I didn't know I had places, that sexy grin of yours makes me want to grab you and-" Here he made a wild gesture that could have meant so many things or nothing at all, "and your hair! Haven't I told you that having your hair in my mouth turns me on?"

Findan ended his rant heaving, and his Raven-haired companion stared at him quietly, mouth slightly open. The silence only pissed the ranger even more. "Stop staring at me like that! I thought you were feeling the same thing!" He cried exasperatedly, and quickly Raelag placed both hands on his companion's shoulders. "Yeah, you're right." He said slowly, the sexy grin returning to his pale face. "So how about we have sex right now, while we're alone and alive?"

Silence.

"You know, Raelag…that might be a good idea." Came the eventual reply. "But on one condition."

The Dark elf frowned at that. "What?"

Findan gently pushed the warlock's arms away, then started undoing his clothing. "I'll be on top."

This was certainly a once in a lifetime thing, their having sex.

**Author's notes**: At last it's over! Sorry if it's not that descriptive, but hey, I'm young. XD I still don't have the right words to describe any of their activities. Questions and reviews _AND _rants are always welcome. I figured you guys might have something to say about the whole plot so…go ahead. I'm ready to answer any of them. And yes, sorry for the OOC-ness on everyone's part- but let's blame it on the lack of information about the characters, ey? I haven't played any of the expansion sets yet, but I'm going to. SWEAR.

The whole thing between Raelag and Findan is entirely fictional, or so I think. Who knows if they're homo. Why yaoi? It's because I read too much gay stuff, darn it. It's fun anyway, so go blame Death note for that. But I am happy with how it turned out. In fact, I think it's funny enough to be categorized under 'Humor'. That's my opinion though. If you guys think it's corny, please say so. This is my first time writing comedy, after all.

LONG LIVE HOMM FANS (there are quite a few, sadly)!

Hopefully this story would spark interest in readers who had not played HOMM yet. Gaining more fans for my favorite game is my sole purpose.


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